The Heterosexual Man's Guide to Navigating Valentine's Day

Here are a few tips for those encumbered with an XY chromosome-induced abnormality that translates into moronic thinking when it comes to relationships:

1. Valentine’s Day may be a Hallmark-manufactured, floral industry-driven artificial merchandizing holiday, but unless you are among the self-actualized guys we sometimes hear of who buy their sweethearts flowers or gifts on a weekly basis, “just because…,” you ignore Valentine’s Day at your peril.

2. Let’s face it: we are emotionally ill-formed and downright stupid when it comes to understanding women.. It goes against our nature, be it chromosomal or socialization (our mother’s fault.) Grasping this truth is the first step to getting it right.

3. If you have just started dating, and it is your first Valentine’s Day, be careful not to overwhelm. Don’t scare the poor girl. Lavish deliveries of 3 dozen roses, large white musical teddy bears, accompanied by boxes of chocolate to a woman working in a small office do not signal “love.” They cry out, “desperate.”

4. However, if you have been dating for some time, and generally things are going well, a delivery of an elegant vase of roses or other flowers to your honey at her place of work says to her (and her co-workers) that she is loved and appreciated. Nice. You don’t need to make a spectacle, just a solid statement.

5. Roses are cool, but they don’t show much thought or inspiration. There are other flowers out there. Work with your florist and use your imagination. Think for a bit about the flowers that she likes. Pay attention! A dozen red roses is almost the token minimum, saying, “At least I remembered.” You won’t get major points, although in some cases you could get serious deductions for not hearing her when she said she loves yellow roses.

6. If you’ve been together for several years (living together or not) and you still haven’t gotten engaged, you are treading on dangerous ground. Most men in this situation, direly scared of commitment (face it, you can’t even pronounce the word without stammering: “commmi..mmii…mmnnuh..ment”) have convinced themselves that not getting engaged is “what we both want,” and “she’s cool with it…” It is the rare case among the enlightened and self-actualized that this is actually true. 99% of the time this is pure male self-delusion. Our capacity for convenient thinking is unbounded. It may also be chromosomal, a tiny gene residing on the Y chromosome next to the gene that keeps us desiring Harleys or Corvettes or that keeps us leaving the seat to the toilet up. If you are in this relational netherworld, be warned: Valentine’s Day is still important, and unless you are about to use the opportunity to pop the question, you better make it good.

7. If you have been married for several years, a single rose will not be considered romantic by your wife. It is romantic only if accompanied by a set of stunning diamond earrings, or if you are suffering dire economic straits. For married guys, a single rose on Valentine’s Day for the wife more often says, “I’m cheap, and I know you know, and I don’t care that you know.” You’re lucky she let’s you sleep on the sofa.

8. The flowers are important, but The Card rules. Don’t rely on Hallmark or stock VD verses to convey your message. Three or four ungrammatical, misspelled sentences that say something real about how you feel is more important than anything material that you might give to her. She might dry the roses and they could stick around until spring cleaning, but the card will go into her best drawer. That card may save you someday when she’s seriously considering changing the locks.

9. Be kind to your florist. Order in advance! You cannot order flowers on Valentine’s Day itself and expect the delivery to get there when you think it should get there. Even FedEx (the authors of just-in-time expectations) require 24 hours for a delivery. If you are good enough to order flowers for delivery on Valentine’s Day, be clear with your florist if there is a definite delivery time. And don’t assume that they will get there during business hours if you haven’t been clear the address is a business. If she works in an office, make sure you give the name of the business, the floor number, the suite number, and find out if there is security in the building that a driver might have to contend with. That stuff is really helpful.

10. Shop local. avoid ProFlowers.com and their ilk that are being pushed on sports talk radio. ProFlowers will send the roses wrapped in paper along with a vase next to them in the box. Your wife or girlfriend will then get to do the arranging, which she may not know how to do or enjoy doing. ProFlowers also sends via FedEx who will simply leave the box on the doorstep if she is not home. In weather with temperatures below freezing, your sweetie will come home to frozen, brown-edged roses that will die as soon as they thaw.

11. Buy Fair Trade/organic whenever possible. You don't want to bring pesticides into the equation. They might further damage that precious Y chromosome.

12. And finally, don’t shop for your wife and your girlfriend at the same flower shop. Don’t put your florist in that position. In this situation, message cards have a strange way of getting themselves mixed up.